As I sat drinking pinot noir and eating my plate of gnocchi in an Italian restaurant on the Upper West Side I realized how precious and amazing life is. I watched families walk by with a togetherness that resembles a baby and her bottle. Pardon the baby expression I am a new mom and my daughter loves her bottle ;). Couples were walking hand in hand, and people around me were enjoying each others company over a good meal. The evening was humid and rain was falling however it was lovely to watch because it's summer and everything seems better to us New Yorkers when it isn't cold. I sat outdoors under the awning with fellow dinners. I was happy to be there but my heart was beating very rapidly......
Let me take you back... I had my first panic attack when I was 14 over a silly random thought. I was very embarrassed and scared to get help so I suffered for over 15 years. My thoughts were very violent and awful, quite opposite of who I am. Over the years I prayed and prayed to God. I wrote letters to Jesus asking help but the more I tried to stop the thoughts the worse they became. I finally got help when I was in my 20s because I couldn't take it anymore. The therapist hardly helped because she didn't understand that it was pure O of OCD. Bringing up the past and childhood blah blah only skims the surface of this disease. So I was on meds for a few months and felt incredibly better. When I met Dermot who is now my husband I had a bad case of it..... I guess new situations set me off. My brain chemistry has difficulty handling them.
The intensity of the feelings went away in time because we were doing so many things together traveling around Europe living in the city and making the most of it with it's many fine restaurants and musems. I felt so happy to be exploring and learning about new cultures. So we married in Disney World, it was an incredible wedding. Since my husband is Irish his family from Ireland came over and they loved it!!!! I was truly blessed that day.
Let's push it forward a bit, September 2009 at the end of the month was feeling a little strange. I had pain in my chest area for weeks eventhough it wasn't my time of the month. My family and i went to Atlantic City for my birthday and I felt a clawing pain in my stomach so my mom and I got something to eat. I said 'Watch I am pregnant' well low and behold I craved pretzels and mustard for the next week. After a weekend trip to Chicago I had a hunch and there it was two pink lines on a pregnancy test I bought. My husband was so stunned that he made me take 5 tests before he actually believed it. We were very happy. I had a good pregnancy, the beginning sucked because I felt nauceous all the time. It was so sad, a homeless man was at the 42nd street train stop he smelled so bad that when I walked by him I almost puked, luckily I did when I got home the bus ride and the bumps were very trying. The second trimester was the best my nausea went away and I was full of energy and strength. I ate healthy and excercised regularly. I felt great. We had one scare, it had to do with the stupid blood test they make you take to see if your baby will have down's syndrome. My doctor bothered us when we were in Ireland visiting my husbands family. She rang to tell my husband the awful news. So I said I wanted to ring her and I did. She was awful with me on the phone blaming me for being concerned not taking the time out to explain to me. I was 32 at the time and she said I told you that you were high risk .So I went for an amnio, ladies it doesn't hurt at all, infact my husband saw my daughter grab at the needle when the proceedure was happening.Dr Stone told us a funny story, another couple was going for the same thing and the guy was so nervous he fell and hit his head on the counter!!! They had to call the EMT up, luckly my husband remained cool and calm. Well in the end I went to Mt Sinai and switched doctors. I cried and prayed for two weeks. I read Joel Osteen's Your Best Life Now. That book really helped me get through. I want to thank God because in the end she had all of her chromosomes.
Fast forward a bit to June 5 2010. I went for a message earlier that day and it felt great. So as I was driving home my husband called me and asked me to pick up something from Trader Joe's for him. When I walked into trader joe's I felt wierd, my left arm became numb. When I went to the counter to purchase the cereal, the guy said you look like you are almost due. When he spoke to me he sounded like he was 10 feet away, usually when that happens you are about to faint. So I called my husband and said I am feeling very wierd. He made me sit down and eat when I got home. Then I went straight to bed. Well at 2am I woke up went to the bathroom, my water gushed out a little. Then I went to bed and it broke!!!!!!!.
At 216 in the afternoon I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl name Emma. She is just gorgeous!!! I never been so happy in my life. I had c section so I stayed in the hospital for days. When you have a c they make you stay in bed for 12 hours and THEN they tell you to stand up!!! OUCH I FELT LIKE MY BODY WAS GOING TO SPLIT OPEN. To be continued.
